The Reason Why Competition Can Feel Icky.
My clients often talk about the culture of competition at work. The pressure to “get ahead” often leads to a practice of negatively comparing oneself to others. They also say they find themselves exerting an undesirable amount of effort trying to be like someone else.
When I was a teen, I had a close friend who seemed to always want to compete with me in every way; sports, clothes, personality, boys, anything. I remember feeling anxiety because I thought she was trying to be too much like me. It was suffocating at times. Plus, I was confused about what she was attempting to achieve with those behaviors. Unfortunately, one method of coping I used was to hide things about myself in an effort to maintain some level of independence. I don’t remember if I ever told her how I felt but we eventually went our separate ways. We could dissect this scenario but, basically, my story is a good illustration of unhealthy competition. The competition that was taking place made us uncomfortable and inauthentic. We both felt unsupported and insecure, much like my clients describe.
In college, when I started business school, the term “competition” was conveyed as a glorified state we were all supposed to embrace and encourage. It was the road to success. Part of our education was to prepare us for all of the competition out there as if “out there” was some elusive place we would all someday know but currently had no clue about. The direct message was that we had to continually evaluate ourselves against our peers to stay ahead but the underlying message was one of scarcity. I don’t know about you but that doesn’t sound good.
The truth is competition is not always a good thing. Looking to others to make sense of ourselves can be a scary prospect, not to mention, annoying, confusing, discouraging, unhelpful, and just plain icky. Why? Because it can make us feel bad about ourselves! In addition, how helpful is it to believe that there is not enough success to go around?
When Competition Helps Us.
So, when is competition good and healthy? The answer is: anytime, given the right perspective and goal. Healthy competition is when we see others and are motivated to do better, improve, grow, or learn. It’s the pursuit of things that bring out the best in ourselves. I know my teen story at the beginning of this article was a total downer but, I did have other friends. Some of these friends inspired me to push myself, to take risks, and test my potential. This type of competition has an entirely different feel to it. It’s not threatening or disempowering. It’s filled with the idea that we can support one another in meeting our goals.
What I tell my clients is that they have a choice in how they want to engage in competition. Whether it’s sports, work life, or relationships….choose to surround yourself with people who inspire you and remind you that success can be yours if you want it and not at the expense of another.
Healthy competition is exciting and empowering! If you are walking around comparing yourself to others and feeling less-than, you’re doing it wrong.
Thelma Franco