WHY RELATIONSHIP CUTOFF DOESN’T WORK.
There is a concept in Family Systems Theory called Emotional Cutoff (Murray Bowen’s Eight Concepts) which describes the way people manage unresolved family issues by reducing contact with one or more members or totally cutting off emotional contact with them. To manage overwhelming stress and tension in families, people look for ways to make interactions “easier” by using emotional cutoff. There are several ways this can play out including: avoiding certain topics of discussion, lying, moving away, finding distractions, and many others. An adult who visits home can often quickly feel the sting of the unresolved issues within the family. This is one reason relationship cutoff doesn’t work. The same stress and tension reappears over and over again.
Another reason relationship cutoff doesn’t work is because we end up placing unrealistic expectations on new relationships. Since our family of origin was not able to meet our needs, we project those expectations onto others. This creates new tensions as our spouses, children, and employees attempt to meet those expectations. People who have been cutoff can attempt to create substitute families with friends and work. Have you met someone who seems to be “married” to his career? This may be one reason why. Sure, there are plenty of other reasons a person may overwork but, a person who has learned to cope with relationship issues using emotional cutoff, will often look for ways to stabilize using substitutes.
One good way to figure out if you overwork due to unresolved family issues is to work on the unresolved family issues.
I work with clients who often report feeling a sense of guilt for not being more emotionally available to their families compounded with a feeling of obligation that they need to solve the family conflict or problem. Ugh, that’s heavy. Who wants that?! Some feel more guilt and sadness while others feel more anger and resentment. To them, it has become too painful or disheartening to deal with the emotions so the substitute is more appealing. But, what happens when the substitute lets them down? Uh oh. This is why layoffs and romantic breakups are so devastating for these folks.
Working on your unresolved family issues does NOT mean you will fix the family problem. It also doesn’t necessarily mean you will have healthy and stable relationships with your family of origin. What it does mean is that you will work on: processing and releasing difficult emotions, establishing realistic expectations of yourself and others, and hopefully heal from the trauma that is your family. You could even stop looking for substitute families and actually create new stable, healthy, and fulfilling relationships in love, friendships, AND work.
If work has become your substitute family, there is a good chance emotional cutoff is still one of your strategies. There are much better strategies out there! Start by acknowledging there is a problem with your strategies and that something needs to change. Realize the burden of fixing your family does not do anything but weigh you down. In addition, there is a strong chance your substitute family will NOT meet all your needs and that’s okay. It’s not supposed to.
Ask yourself, “what does emotional cutoff feel like to me?”
I had someone tell me once that emotional cutoff felt like a piece of her was literally cut off.
“You go through life with missing pieces and feeling not whole” is what she said.
I remember feeling sad for her.
This what I told her. “To me, emotional cutoff feels like something I had to do but then something I had to stop doing.”
Thelma Franco, BBA, MBA, MS, LPC