Grieving. One Of The Only Things You Can Do When You Experience Loss.
I know exactly who you are when you walk into my office. Your body language and forced smiles are a perfect match to the grieving person I spoke to on the phone. Getting started in session can be difficult because you’re not sure where to begin to describe how you are feeling. With support, you begin by telling me that for the past few years, you have been attempting to mentally prepare yourself for your mother’s passing based on the family’s observations of her declining health. In addition, you have noticed that the impact this has had on your father’s health has been significant. So then you were forced to consider the possibility that you may lose him first. You go on to say that you have imagined over and over the inevitable day you will receive “the call” about the passing of either parent. You imagine how the call will go. You imagine how you might feel and what you might do. But, NEVER EVER did you imagine that the call you would get would be about your brother passing.
You say, “Do you want to know what happened to me when I heard my brother died? First I felt shock and numbness followed by an image of his face in my head. In a matter of seconds, I started sobbing. Then I felt immediate guilt about how upset I actually was. This is not what I prepared for! It doesn’t make sense to me.” For the days that followed, you go on to say, you experienced irrational and fearful thoughts. I hear your pain as you talk with such honest vulnerability. A familiar dance of regret and rationalization takes place which ultimately results in more tears.
Random and disconnected thoughts and feelings are part of the grieving process and can be overwhelming and stressful. It will feel like a roller coaster as you go through The Stages of Grief (https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/. There is no perfect formula for going through these stages. It’s about being patient with yourself and seeking support from others to help you explore healthy ways of expressing your grief. Equally important is resting and self-care because grieving can be exhausting!
As a therapist, I have all the hope in the world for my clients that they will eventually start to feel better and most do. It’s a great thing to see. I also know that when I experience grief, it will not take long for me to see that hope. But, one of the only things you can do when you experience grief (at least in the beginning) is to let your thoughts and feelings just be. There is nothing to figure out. There is nothing to judge. So when you walk into my office and you’re grieving, I listen. I also know I am holding the hope for you…for only a little while, until you find your own.
One last thing. You see, I am the person who received that call just days ago. But, I also know I’m not the only one out there grieving a loss. For those of you who are, I hope you found my article comforting.
This is what happened to me when my brother died.
Hopefully yours,
Thelma Franco