How Unconscious Strategies Manifest to Preserve Security
There are many inspiring stories out there about people who started out with very little and became successful later in life. It is encouraging to hear or read those stories because it reminds us of how humans can overcome the greatest of obstacles and not just survive but thrive. Ultimately, becoming successful does not come without its challenges. You don’t become successful and that’s it; you’ve made it. Far from it. Depending on the person’s childhood experience (some of them being outright horrifying), the impact can be tough to overcome.
I came from a working class home and it was apparent to me very early on that success was not a goal my parents had….security was. Their anxiety about finances often permeated the air. Fortunate for me, I never felt that I went without anything. I always had food, shelter, and public education but the extras were usually not available to me. Those things were for someone else. But, I also knew others had it much worse. I decided long ago that my life goals were going to be bigger than my parents’ were. I wanted to be successful and I was going to make sure I did everything I could to make that happen. I developed a drive that resulted in a series of choices that led me to where I am today.
I also work with many successful clients who come into my office with similar often worse stories. When they share their current struggles with me, I know what they are talking about. The following are common problematic thought patterns, feelings, and strategies which are characteristic of successful adults with an impoverished childhood experience.
- Lack and scarcity thinking. Childhood poverty has a way of showing you the world through a lens. You come away thinking there is not enough for everyone. After all, why else would you have experienced the childhood that you did? You have evidence to support this thinking.
- Feelings of fear and doubt. You also learn what fear is and you know it really well. Sometimes it’s your best friend. It’s so strange. You actually convince yourself that, if you have fear, it will somehow protect you because being blindsided or oblivious of your circumstances is SO much worse.
- Control behaviors. This is a strategy you learn to master. Managing your actions and behaviors is crucial because you sure don’t want to end up back where you were! Attempting to control situations and people becomes a means of self-protection and mental security. “If you stay on top of it, you will be fine.”
- Preparation strategies. This is different from “control”, in my opinion. Preparing for the constant imminent threat to security is a strategy that helps you to decide whether you will stick around or flee (AKA: fight or flight response). “Save for a rainy day” becomes your motto and independence becomes your blueprint. Relying or depending on others is difficult for you.
- Identity and career. Your career is super important. It is THE THING that got you out of that path and on to this one. The meaning you attach to your job and career is interwoven into your core. You come to believe that your career will “take care of you”, unlike your parents could.
Okay, I know this may all sound very sad and depressing but it doesn’t have to be. The reality is that the strategies worked for you, to an extent. You needed them and they got you here. But, maybe “here” isn’t so great anymore or the strategies have now become obstacles. There is an upside to all of this…IF YOU DO THE WORK on yourself. You developed the above strategies at one time, right? Now, you just have to develop better ones.
What is the benefit of doing that?
- You could learn to expand your lens to see the multitude of opportunity and abundance available to you.
- Fear and doubt can change from being your best friend to a very distant cousin. You may still feel fear but it doesn’t consume you. The feelings can become mere messages to help you get back on track or to take you on a different and better direction.
- You could learn helpful inner control strategies versus unhelpful external control strategies over people and situations. You learn to let go of what you have no control over.
- You develop a healthier balance between independence and interdependence. You realize you have resources to get you through the tough stuff so you don’t have to prepare so much.
- Career will probably still be very important to you but it will be a reflection of what you can do and not who you are. You are so much more!
We can’t go back and redo our childhood experiences. I don’t know who I would be if I could. I probably wouldn’t be writing this article which means you wouldn’t be reading it. We have a choice on what to do only now. What would you like to do?
I know what I would like to do. I would like to walk alongside my childhood self, smile at her, and tell her, “look at what you did!”
Thelma Franco