Do you occasionally put effort into pleasing others? I think we all do to some extent. We usually expect some mutual benefit and doing things for others can feel good. On the other hand, some of us spend WAY too much time and effort in doing this. Now we are talking about a pattern of pleasing behaviors. Could this be you? Have you noticed that people respond to you one way at first and differently later on? Most People Pleasers are unaware of the fact that the reason they are attempting to please others is the same reason they alienate them. The first impression we often get from meeting a PP is that the person is helpful, kind, and interested in what we have to say (for simplicity, we’ll call her Cat). We walk away feeling good about the interchange with Cat because we felt heard and validated. She may have even offered to help us with a problem we have been pondering for weeks. “Awesome!”you exclaim. So what’s wrong with this scenario? Nothing really, until you realize…. you’re Cat.
Relational issues surface when you notice others are eventually and repeatedly annoyed with you. A pattern is there but you may not know what is causing it. The once happy demeanor you observed in others when in their presence has changed. The question is: are they really annoyed with you or do you perceive them to be annoyed with you? Before you turn up the pleasing behaviors to “get them” back on your side, see if you recognize some of the following in yourself:
C – (Control). You want others to be happy all of the time. You don’t like others to be mad at you. You change your behavior based on what you think others want. You are attempting to take responsibility for the feelings of others. You get upset when others are upset and you try to make them feel better. You go to great lengths to figure out what other people need.
A – (Agree). You agree with others often. Expressing a different opinion is hard for you. You avoid conflict. You say yes more than you say no. You often do things you don’t want to do. You accept responsibility you are not ready for.
T – (Trying). You try hard to impress people. You listen intently. You make yourself very available. You agree to doing extra tasks, some outside of the scope of your job. You often feel overwhelmed. The energy you put towards others far exceeds the energy you put into self.
Pleasing behaviors can have a negative impact on relationships and your well-being. There is simply too much pressure placed on the relationship and trying to make someone happy all of the time is tiring. It is an impossible task. The PP will increase attempts to control another when pleasing efforts are failing only to backfire because most people don’t like to be controlled. In addition, the PP risks becoming depressed or resentful when her efforts to please are ineffective or unappreciated. Sadly, people may begin to question who you are because there is no clear understanding of what you believe in or what you value.
Explore reasons why you may be a People Pleaser and take steps to replace pleasing behaviors with healthier relational behaviors. Figure out who you are because you probably really don’t want to be a Cat.
Thelma Franco