Even When They’re Wrong and You’re Right.
What type of conflict am I referring to? I am talking about the kind of conflict with others that interferes with one’s ability to effectively respond, carry out a task, or reach an important goal. Have you ever asked yourself who you tend to have the most conflict with? If you have, you also probably came up with a multitude of reasons as to why that person is annoying. As an example, let’s assume you have difficulty with a control personality. How might you respond when you feel controlled by others? You may talk to them calmly and openly to explain the problem YOU are having with their approach. This is a healthy response to conflict. But, let’s say that instead, you respond in a different manner. You yell at them. You run. You complain and blame. You make it your personal mission to enlighten them about their misguided behavior or faulty thought process (um…control?). Better yet, you pretend you are unaffected by them and just wait for your frustration to manifest in your body, perhaps via teeth-grinding later that night. That’s always fun.
What are some reasons we have conflict with others?
- Let’s be honest. It’s possible we just don’t like them. If that is the case, we will have difficulty relating to them in any real way. If we have to work with them to get something done, it could pose a problem. Therein lies a conflict.
- We perceive them to be wrong. Some of you are shaking your head with a resounding yes. “They are wrong therefore, I am right.” Actually, what is really happening is that they said or did something that does not align with our thought processes, beliefs, values, or way of doing things. We don’t understand or want to understand where they are coming from. Conflict.
- They are not doing we want them to do. Don’t you hate it when that happens? “If only they would do what I want, everything would be fine!” Did you know that many of us really don’t want that anyway? It is okay for a while but, when people always do what we want them to do, it gets old. We could eventually feel pressure or guilt and ultimately build resentment towards them. There is little room for growth when one person is always dictating plus, there is often a loss of respect in the relationship. Complex conflict.
- There is “evidence” that this person you now have conflict with has conflict with others. We heard the rumors and the stories so guess what we are going to do? We are going to break out with the all-too-familiar confirmation bias. We will look for information that confirms the story and ignore any contrary information. Misguided conflict.
This is not an all-inclusive list but it hits on some of the big ones. What do all of these reasons have in common? Before I tell you, please note that conflict is a real thing we all experience and it is not realistic to expect never to have it. The goal is to manage it, learn from it, and to grow as a person.
So here it is. The main reason we have conflict with others is that we get all caught up and wound up in the emotionality of the situation. We feel the conflict. WE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. If we were not taught how to respond to conflict in a healthy way, we will have difficulty and tend towards seeing the other person as the problem. This is why we yell, complain, run, try to change the other person, or use other ineffective strategies. But, the real conflict is the emotion we are having within ourselves about the other person. This is good news people! This means we have a level of control over our experience. We just need to learn how to do it better.
So what do we need to do to help ourselves? Identify, process, and accept your emotions. This will help you get clear about where you are in relation to the other person. It is easier to manage our emotions when we know what they are and what they may be telling us. Don’t try to predict what the other person is feeling because you will get lost trying to manage the conflict from that standpoint. Managing your own discomfort first will help you take steps toward more effective conflict resolution tactics.
Remember. We will not like everyone. People will do or say the “wrong” thing. We can’t always make others do what we want. We will listen to stories and rumors and make judgments. We will feel the discomfort of conflict. Ineffective emotional regulation can send us down a path of fighting tooth and nail to prove we are right. The unfortunate result is that this prevents us from reaching the goals we set out in the first place.
Emotions are messages. They are not the solution.
Thelma Franco