Three Steps to Make Assertiveness Less Scary.
I have a father who, for the most part, spent his life in silence. He talks but usually at the lead of others. As his child, I wasn’t necessarily bothered by it because he was my dad and that’s just who he was. It wasn’t until I was older that I recognized the negative impact his passive behaviors had on his life. What looked like extreme shyness and introversion was more problematic than that. He seldom expressed his needs and wants so it was difficult to ascertain who he was as a person. Sadly, he spoke but didn’t have a voice of his own. At times, it seemed he was attempting to share his true thoughts and feelings with me but he ultimately sought validation due to self-doubt. This was disappointing to me each time because I wanted to connect and I noticed how hard it was for him. As his daughter and a therapist to many others who struggle with asserting themselves, I am keenly aware that there are often multiple factors which have contributed to the struggle with assertiveness. So how do we assert ourselves when a contrary pattern has been present for years or maybe a lifetime? It can be done and it doesn’t have to be hard.
Sometimes our life experiences force us to develop assertiveness but not always. For example, our careers often push us to be more assertive because our financial security is dependent on it. But, what I have found when talking to others about this topic is that there is confusion about what assertiveness really means. I have heard clients use assertiveness and aggressiveness interchangeably as if meaning the same thing. I am here to tell you it is not. The fear a person has about needing to be “more aggressive” is often paralyzing and creates a barrier to asserting oneself. So the first step is educating yourself about what assertiveness really means and finding someone who knows how to do it. You can’t perform surgery on someone if you never went to medical school. You can’t be more assertive if you don’t know what it looks like.
The second step is understanding the link between unassertive behavior and stress. You may be thinking: “I can’t be more assertive, it’s too scary and stressful“. Those feelings may be true but choosing to avoid assertive behaviors is also stressful. Why? Because choosing a behavior that disregards our needs and wants doesn’t feel good. Plus, when we have a stress response to a situation and choose an unassertive behavior, it will often make the situation worse in the long run. You can probably think of some examples of this in your life. Try to think of assertiveness as a win-win, respecting self and others.
The third step is to assess the opportunity cost of not asserting yourself. There is always a loss of potential gain when we choose an unassertive behavior. I know times when this has shown up in my life and I didn’t like it one bit. How much is this costing you? I know for my dad it cost him a lot, both personally and professionally. I didn’t want this for myself so I chose differently. I am a firm believer that there are potential gains in every situation; a fulfilling career, an improved relationship, a learning opportunity, or a better sense of self. Asserting yourself increases your chances of seizing a moment as opposed to the price tag of conjuring up reasons why you shouldn’t. It’s a simple shift in energy. Where do you want to put your energy?
Isn’t it time to choose for yourself?
Thelma Franco